False Hope
by Night Rain Illusion
Summary: He didn't realize that his crush was turning into a desperate obsession that was driving him mad. Onesided Kakashi/Sasuke, told psychologically from Sasuke's point of view.


So yes, it's Kakashi/Sasuke unrequited love, but it is told from Sasuke's point of view. I worked hard on it, and I know it makes Sasuke sound out of character, but...please don't kill me! I was trying to be as practical about this pairing as possible. So read, review, and if you need me, I'll be running away as fast as I can before people can get the chance to strangle me.

I don't own Naruto.

**False Hope**

There is a young boy.

His name is Uchiha Sasuke, of the Uchiha clan, masters of the Sharingan.

You know the story. Everyone does.

He's the only survivor of the Uchiha massacre. He dreams of getting revenge on his older brother Itachi for killing their entire clan.

Determination. Confidence. Arrogance. Indifference. Stubborn.

Those are his outward qualities.

He is a genin, a ninja in training. He is in Squad Seven with his teammates Naruto Uzamaki and Sakura Haruno. Naruto is loud and obnoxious. Sakura is obsessed with him. He could care less for either of them even though he does secretly treasure their friendship. He won't admit to it. He's stubborn after all.

His teacher is Kakashi Hatake, the Copy Ninja who also has a Sharingan even though he is not an Uchiha. He is a jounin who is frequently late to meeting up with them, comical, and loves reading porn novels. He wears his headband to one side to cover his Sharingan. (Sasuke never did learn how he got that eye)

And somehow, someway, Sasuke had fallen head over heels in love with his teacher.

He's naive. He's pathetic. He's weak. He's needy. He's desperate.

Those are his inward qualities.

The first time he met Kakashi, when Team Seven was first formed, his mind had gone blank. Kakashi was indifferent to them at first, spoke with a bored tone that was like an older mirror version of Sasuke's own voice, and a bit comical at times. He made them wait for several hours before showing up, claiming he had gotten lost on the road of life. Sasuke did have serious doubts about him at first, but there was just something...different about him. He respected him, that much he knew.

So they had their first mission. It was supposed to be a simple mission to the Land of Waves as an escort to some drunk. But then things got dangerous fast with the arrival of Zabuza. A dangerous intensity had engulfed his heart, slowly suffocating him, wanting nothing more than to end the pressure with a simple kunai to the heart so that it could never hurt him again.

But...Kakashi had stopped him. Somehow his voice had snapped Sasuke out of his disoriented daze and he was calm once more. It seemed only Kakashi could have that ability.

He found himself watching his sensei very closely, watching the things he did for the next few days. When it came to training, that day of climbing trees, he wanted to be the best so that he could impress Kakashi as well as just proving how talented he was, and since he is an Uchiha, naturally he would. But he didn't come out on top. Sakura did. His face held no emotion as she and Kakashi left, leaving him and Naruto alone. Now it didn't matter if he bested Naruto at climbing these stupid trees-Kakashi wasn't there to watch.

So when the time came again for fighting against Zabuza once more, Sasuke was determined to prove something to Kakashi. What it was, he wasn't sure.

But luck had not been on his side as Haku's senbon needles pierced into him, bringing him to the brink of death, despite his and that idiot Naruto's best efforts. One of the very last thoughts that crossed his mind (not the last, just one of them) was on Kakashi and that he had lost the chance to-

...to _what?_

So victory was earned and they moved on. They were back in Konoha and everything was the same again.

That was when the fantasies began.

In his dreams, he would dream of himself doing simple things with Kakashi-walking, training, talking, eating, you name it. Then suddenly, the two's talk would turn to each other and words that he never thought he would ever say or hear would be said and for some reason he would be happy. At the time, he didn't realize that he was having dreams about himself or Kakashi confessing their interests in each other.

The Chunnin Exams came upon them.

And that was when the spiral of life for Sasuke started spinning out of control.

A man named Orochimaru had appeared, attacking Sasuke and leaving him with the Curse Mark, for what reason at the time that he did not know. And, to his surprise, Kakashi was the first to take immediate action to seal the curse mark. (He remembered faintly blushing at the fact that Kakashi had seen him without his shirt on for some reason) And after that, Kakashi had taken an odd interest in Sasuke, offering to train him one on one.

Sasuke was elated with this news, but he didn't show it. For him, this was an act and he was the actor-he was to be his usual, indifferent self so that he didn't betray the thoughts of how he was enjoying this alone time far too much. And as Kakashi taught him Chidori, Sasuke couldn't help but think that he reminded him vaguely of the time he trained with his father. _Kakashi would have made a better father _he can't help but think, even though he regrets the fact that he would prefer Kakashi over his own father. Did Kakashi see him like a son?

Somewhere deep down...he hoped not. No...something a little more different than son...

After the Chunnin exams, one particular day, Naruto suggested finding out what Kakashi was hiding under his mask. Sasuke automatically knew that he had to find out what he kept under his mask. What kind of lips does Kakashi-sensei have? What kind of teeth does he have? What does his tongue look like? How would those _feel? _

But they had failed to find out.

And his fantasies intensified greatly. Sometimes it was he that told Kakashi all the strange feelings that was coursing through him. Sometimes it was Kakashi that said all the right words. He would like nothing more than to lay his head against the other's vest, hear his heartbeat as fingers would stroke his hair. He would have been satisfied by that, feeling that warmth after being _cold_ for so very long, but Sasuke is greedy and wants something more to happen in these dreams. Arms would wrap around his body, pulling him close to the jounin as he too would wrap his arms around the other. And the hands would move to the shoulders as he imagined Kakashi's mask coming off, revealing the most perfect lips imaginable.

And then their lips would connect, causing his insides to become squeamish, but he would draw closer as Kakashi's tongue would push past his own lips and they would become deeply lost in a passionate kiss. Their tongues would awkwardly twist together, a little hard and rough, but that was only because Sasuke really did not know the mechanics of how to make a kiss seem more passionate, but either way, it felt like heaven just to kiss him and be embraced by him.

The dream always ended when they would pull apart and Sasuke would try to look into his eyes. He would wake up in a cold sweat, sometimes crying.

Sometimes in need of a cold shower.

The fantasies became a part of his mind, each one wilder than the last one. He started forming plans and ideas of getting his feelings across, whether it involved a simple friendly walk that would end in him finally getting his feelings out, or desperately _throwing himself_ at him and pouring out all the emotional grief that was eating away at him.

Admittedly, he, like most people in doubt, had nightmares about being rejected, which would interweave with his more intimate ones. He even had nightmares that Kakashi would of preferred Itachi over Sasuke. He may have never met Kakashi until the formation of the team, but he had known the name...Itachi used to mention his name once or twice before and there was always something odd about the way he would say the name which made Sasuke curious when he was younger.

Also, it never went past kissing, because Sasuke really did not know the mechanics of sex, and therefore that was left out. He may be a genius, but he is just a kid. He knows about where babies come from and the birds and the bees, but he doesn't know _how _it's done.

Sasuke was naive. It is to be expected from a twelve year old. He was also desperate, but he wasn't going to admit to that; he's too stubborn for that. The naive boy inside him that was usually suppressed by thoughts of revenge began to take control more often, turning his fantasies into his daydreams. The young boy inside, the one robbed of innocence and love from his older brother seemed to be seeking outward for some sort of affection, even if it was Kakashi.

He knew deep down that his love for his sensei was sick. Love between teacher and student is forbidden. Even if Kakashi really did have those kinds of feelings for him, he could never act on them, ever. It was unacceptable. It was crossing lines not meant to be crossed, no matter how blurred you tried to make the lines. Sasuke didn't care about what others thought. He didn't care about gender and age difference.

But Kakashi _did_.

And he would never do anything to put Kakashi in an uncomfortable position. It would be wrong.

It _was_ wrong.

So he stayed quiet, letting the fantasies dominate his mind every time he so much as looked at his sensei. He knew that Kakashi had to have known, after all his intellect and observance was one of the things that Sasuke was attracted to. But Kakashi never treated him differently than he did Naruto and Sakura.

He had even tried to look at someone else, someone close to his age. He tried taking interest in Sakura, his outside behavior normal but inward he was analyzing every aspect of her, trying to find something that would be enough to calm down the starved desperation inside. He even tried looking toward _Naruto, _of all people. He had seriously thought that it could possibly work, but the fact was that they could never be more than friends, the three of them. And when he would listen to Sakura's stuttering as she tried to get a word out without saying the words he wished he knew how to say himself; and Naruto's indecisiveness over which brand of ramen is the best, if that really mattered or not, he would find his eyes straying to look in the direction of his sensei, and every time, he thought that Kakashi had been looking at him too but the thought would vanish as Kakashi would be reading his novels again.

He started wondering if he had to stand out in some form. He trained harder and harder than ever, depriving himself of sleep and food until he would get so sick that he would be puking his guts out every other morning, mentally begging for forgiveness from his parents for being weak. He noticed how cloudy his eyes looked now, they were no longer sharp black; they were now stormy grey. He wondered if it was the deprivation of food and sleep that was making his eyes clouded like that, or the lust building up inside.

He didn't realize that his crush was turning into a desperate obsession that was driving him mad.

Naive. Pathetic. Weak. Needy. Desperate.

That's all he was.

It wasn't until after Itachi returned when the thought of letting his feelings be known seemed to increase. The two had fought and had put Kakashi into a catatonic state. When he saw his sensei lying unconscious in the room where the other jounin talked, only one thought was running through his mind; ok, one of the stray thoughts that had nothing to do with finally getting his revenge.

Itachi was going to regret laying a hand on _his _sensei.

It appears that the nightmares were making him partially paranoid.

But Sasuke did not succeed when he tried to fight Itachi. He had been taken down quite easily and reduced to a catatonic state similar to Kakashi's. And as he relived through all his horrific memories, lots of his nightmares that involved Kakashi also floated in. It was too much to take, so it was with relief when they had manage to wake him out of it, one of his first thoughts being to check on Kakashi.

But it seemed that fate was not kind. Kakashi seemed harder on him about seeking revenge on Itachi. _How can he say that? Doesn't he want Itachi dead too? _Sasuke thought in disbelief.

Kakashi didn't seem to notice the fact that Sasuke was more pale and skinny than usual and that he seemed angrier and upset all the time. Or he did, but didn't say anything. Out of no interest or for Sasuke's privacy...he wasn't sure anymore. Or maybe it was that it could have escalated into one of Sasuke's deepest desires, but it would have ended up destroying them both.

It was one of the few things that had lead to his decision to go to Orochimaru, the man who gave him the Curse Mark, to gain enough power for his revenge. He wanted to sever all ties so that nothing could distract him from killing Itachi. He wanted to make Kakashi notice the little things he went through just to get his damn _attention_.

And here...is where he is now.

It's been close to a year since the beginning of Sasuke's hard journey from graduating from the academy, becoming part of a team, and having unspeakable feelings for his sensei.

He now stands in the middle of a clearing several miles away from the Valley of the End. He has just has his fight with Naruto. Naruto is lying unconscious back there...he had decided not to go about getting the Mangekyo Sharingan by killing his best friend.

Kakashi is coming after him. Of course it would be him to show up, as two of his students had been having a fight to the death. He could show up any time now. For some reason he is incredibly anxious that he might have the chance to be able to tell him his feelings for _real_ and kiss him for _real_. But he's also anxious that Kakashi will do more than just reject him, he will punish him like the disobedient genin he is for attempting to kill a teammate.

But he has already severed ties with Sakura and Naruto.

So therefore he must also sever ties with the object of his affections.

Sasuke imagines his heart in his hands; he imagines throwing it down as hard as he can against the wet hard ground; he imagines lifting his foot up over it, foot shaking slightly in hesitation but it must be done; he imagines bringing his foot down, mercilessly stomping as hard as he can on his already fragile heart that shatters like glass under his foot. And he will keep on stomping down on it even if the shards of his heart cut into his foot and when his heart has already turned to powder and carried by the wind.

So in his weakened mind-frame, he holds his hands out in front of him, as if his heart really was in his hands. Sasuke thinks that it is small and that there is barely a heartbeat at all as it is, yet seems to still hold so much blood that covers his hands and drips on to the ground and mixes with the rainwater. It's already starting to crumble weakly in his hands, as if it knows what he's about to do to it. But his hands are shaking so badly that he might accidentally drop it.

_It's raining..._he faintly registers, but whether he's talking about the sky or his eyes is anyone's guess.

He holds his hands to his chest, as if the naive boy inside is going to pull his heart back into his chest where it belongs. And for a brief second, he imagines returning it to his chest.

Before he can crush it, he has to pick his Uchiha courage back up first.

He is an Uchiha, after all. He is supposed to be confident. He shouldn't be afraid of any reaction he gets from his sensei at the confession that is pushing against the inside of his rib cage. He's forgetting that he's just a kid that would break in two at any reaction he gets.

Sasuke turns toward the Valley of the End. He puts his hands to his face to cup around his very pale and thin lips. The words he wants to scream seems to die right there on his lips, but _god damn it_, they're not getting off that easily. He inhales...exhales...inhales...exhales...inhales...

_"I love Kakashi-sensei!"_

It's loud, ringing in his ears. He swears that he saw birds take off at the sound of the scream raging through his brain.

His eyes widen at his own boldness. He falls to his knees in weakness, hands pushed against the ground in front of him. He's probably going to throw up at any second. Blood is pounding in his ears and his mouth has gone dry. At first, he is crying hysterically, because he never had the chance to tell him directly to the face. But suddenly he's laughing; a laugh that is sad, happy, and delirious. Words that he wants to exclaim in pride jumble around but a few manage to escape through the laugh.

"There, I said it! I finally said it! So come on, _Kakashi-sensei, _what's your final answer? Well!? I can take it, I'm not a child! Go ahead and break my heart! It won't hurt me one bit! It'll only make me stronger! If I can overcome this, then I'll be invincible to any kind of attack to my heart! Itachi won't stand a chance! So answer me already, GOD DAMNIT!!"

Sasuke's being hysterical, but he doesn't care. He's half-laughing, half-crying as these words spill from his lips with no way to take any of them back. His arms are wrapped around his sickly frame as he fights all urges to throw up. His nails are digging painfully into his arms, drawing blood and he can't help but find some sort of sick beauty in seeing such crimson blood against his pale skin. He isn't even sure what the hell it was that he just said. His mind and his mouth are working on two different settings. While his mouth seems to be cursing Kakashi and his possible rejection, his mind is very quiet and pleading in a pathetic whine.

_Don't look at me like that. Please look at me the way I see you in my memories and dreams. Don't frown at me with such disgust and disdain. Please smile at me in that joking manner of yours, while still being serious about this. Don't take that kunai in your hand and slice my throat for saying such things. Please wrap your arms around me and tell me that it's ok for having these feelings. Don't push me to the ground and crush my heart for me; I can do that myself. Please whisper the same words to me and make my heart heal. _

_Reject me._

_Forgive me._

_Hate me._

_Love me._

_Don't kill me._

_Please kiss me._

And he waits...and waits...and waits...

For something to happen.

_Anything to happen._

But there is nothing but _silence._

Sasuke's still crying and laughing as he stares at the ground, watching a puddle that has already begun to form before him. And for a minute he does see Kakashi's face-it's blank. No meaning. No definite sign of what it is that he's thinking. Devoid of emotion, neither hate nor love. It's the same old Kakashi, his teacher, his mentor, his crush. And his delusion fades, showing his own reflection, as if Kakashi wants him to see what all this is doing to his pupil.

Sasuke is soaking wet. His raven hair is clinging to his face, bangs barely poking at his eyes. His mouth is very thin, as if it's about to disappear right off his face. But its half open, the laugh dying much like his words on his lips, which are bitten almost clean through as it is decorated with blood. There are itchy red blotches forming on his cheeks because of his crying.

It's his own eyes that he draws attention to.

His eyes are red.

Sharingan is not activated.

The pupils of his eyes are pin-pricks, tiny dots that convey the hurt and madness slowly building up inside of him. Eyes well suited for his insane laughter from a moment ago. He closes his mouth, simply staring at his reflection. He ignores everything around him-the rain, his heartbeat, imaginary footsteps running toward him, memories of a familiar voice that he wishes he could hear at least once.

For a moment, he tries to imagine himself _as _Kakashi, something he has never imagined the possibility of before. If he was Kakashi, would he accept this mentally shattered disheveled boy in front of him, giving in to this child's clearly _unhealthy_ needs?

And he realizes that no, he would _not_.

He would try to help the boy...but help was all that he could give.

The kind of thing that the boy wanted was something that he could not give.

And now he's Sasuke again, staring at his reflection. He wants to strike down at it, get rid of whatever misconception the damn rain had of him, to back away as far away as he can, and then curl into a little ball and wait for death.

Instead he stays down, kneeling, staring and knowing for a fact that Kakashi was in the immediate area. He wonders if Kakashi had actually heard him.

He hopes he hadn't.

He wishes that he did.

So he waits.

And waits.

_And waits._

Sasuke's breathing is ragged. He wonders what will happen if he really does show up.

"Hello Sasuke." he imagines the jounin saying.

"Hello Kakashi-sensei." he would answer dutifully like the good little genin he is.

_Did you hear me? _he will mentally plead.

"Are you planning on dragging me back?" he would ask aloud instead.

Kakashi would most likely answer with a yes, which will cause Sasuke to laugh. It would be hollow.

"It's too late." he would answer.

_It really is too late in the game for this._

But because he's needy, he's pathetic, he's weak, he's naive, he's desperate, and he will look up into Kakashi's eye and wait for judgment, whether it is positive or negative. He would wait for Kakashi to either stop him or let him go. The silence doesn't answer for him, so he would say, "It doesn't matter anymore. I was never meant to be happy."

He's not sure if he would be talking about life in Konoha or the crush.

Kakashi would most likely try to convince him to stay, a feeling that would normally elate him, but now it's only a simple needle in his heart. It affects him, but not like how it used to. It's the method of how Kakashi would convince him to stay that was starting to get to him.

And from there, his imagination could run wild like it does with his fantasies.

But all he comes up with is a whole lot of silence, blank pages, and empty faces.

Sasuke slowly stands. His knees are bruised, but he doesn't know nor care about that. He is staggering and will most likely collapse at any minute.

The naive boy inside wants to run toward Konoha where Kakashi is waiting for him.

The mature boy inside wants to run in the opposite direction toward Itachi who is also waiting for him.

So as he waits, waiting for Kakashi to come after him, he comes to two startling conclusions.

_Kakashi will want to prioritize Naruto over me and take him back to Konoha to make sure that he's OK._

He is not quite as angry with the first. He would have admired Kakashi for caring for the welfare of a student, even if it was Naruto over Sasuke.

But the second one...

_I never actually said my confession and I just think I did._

He might not be correct with this one. But he's pretty damn sure that it's the truth. His voice is hoarse and it hurts too much for him to have been able to successfully get it out and make it heard. Maybe he had only screamed it in his mind.

He looks down at his bloody hands. His metaphorical bleeding, weak, _pathetic _heart is in his hands again. He can't destroy this. It belongs to Kakashi, he defends. But it will drag him down. It will keep on dragging him down into the abyss where he will never surface.

He has to give it up. For his sanity. For his safety. For _Kakashi._

He slowly turns around, toward where Orochimaru was. The young, naive boy inside him had grown eerily quiet, as it finally realized where its actions had lead them. It seemed to say the words for Sasuke.

_Goodbye. I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you. _it apologizes directly to Sasuke, and Sasuke vaguely wonders if the child inside himself this whole time was somebody else. _I won't come back unless you really want me to. I'll be waiting... _its voice calls before whispering one last thought, _Kakashi-sensei...I love you and I'm sorry. _

And then it's gone. As if it has walked through a door and locked itself inside somewhere in the back of his mind, tossing the key outside where it lies on the floor outside of its door. So that if Sasuke ever wants his love for Kakashi back, he will be able to get it back again. He wonders if he should throw away the key.

He instead decides to leave it where it is.

Sasuke opens his eyes. His mind is clearer, but there is still pain and regret left behind that words cannot fix. In the most normal voice he can say without choking, he says, "Goodbye, Kakashi-sensei."

It's normal. It holds Sasuke's smug arrogance. It's exactly what Sasuke would say under normal circumstances.

His mind is clearer than it has been in ages. He likes to think that he's eyes aren't as clouded anymore.

He sort of realizes how _stupid _he is for letting this go on for so long. How _stupid _he is for acting like that. How _stupid _he is for taking something like admiration for a teacher farther than normal.

Now as he walks toward Orochimaru's location, to the future, he mind lingers as long as it can on the edge of desperate obsession before it can finally move on and focus on his goals and dreams of getting his revenge and feeling like his purpose in life was complete.

And maybe someday, if he should ever return to Konoha, if he should ever meet Kakashi face to face...

...then maybe...

...maybe he can unlock the door and hold a hand out to his naive self and embrace it as he gains enough courage to say "I love you" without any regrets and without giving a damn about what anyone else thought.

And maybe Kakashi will say yes.

_Maybe_.

He could only hope.

_Hope._

Even if it was a false hope.


End file.
